And now, for some off-topic:
"If programming languages were religions"
(Inspired by "If programming languages were cars")
C would be Judaism - it's old and restrictive, but most of the world is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can't convert into it - you're either into it from the start, or you will think that it's insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the problems of the world on it.
Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it's theoretically based on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn't feel like the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that it's the best language in the world, but they're willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.
PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it really likes. Maybe it's not as coherent as other languages, but at least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of "goto hell" was abandoned.
C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It's so versatile that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you'll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.
C# would be Mormonism - At first glance, it's the same as Java, but at a closer look you realize that it's controlled by a single corporation (which many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many theological concepts are quite different. You suspect that it'd probably be nice, if only all the followers of Java wouldn't discriminate so much against you for following it.
Lisp would be Zen Buddhism - There is no syntax, there is no centralization of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire universe is there at your reach - if only you are enlightened enough to grasp it. Some say that it's not a language at all; others say that it's the only language that makes sense.
Haskell would be Taoism - It is so different from other languages that many people don't understand how can anyone use it to produce anything useful. Its followers believe that it's the true path to wisdom, but that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.
Erlang would be Hinduism - It's another strange language that doesn't look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern languages, it's built around the concept of multiple simultaneous deities.
Perl would be Voodoo - An incomprehensible series of arcane incantations that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt your soul. Often used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task at 21:00 on friday night.
Lua would be Wicca - A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and allows for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by those used to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection to the moon.
Ruby would be Neo-Paganism - A mixture of different languages and ideas that was beaten together into something that might be identified as a language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most people look at them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people with no intention of harming anyone.
Python would be Humanism: It's simple, unrestrictive, and all you need to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel relieved from all the burden imposed by other languages, and that they have rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that it is a form of pseudo-code.
COBOL would be Ancient Paganism - There was once a time when it ruled over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it's almost dead, for the good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals demanded by its deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive even today.
APL would be Scientology - There are many people who claim to follow it, but you've always suspected that it's a huge and elaborate prank that got out of control.
LOLCODE would be Pastafarianism - An esoteric, Internet-born belief that nobody really takes seriously, despite all the efforts to develop and spread it.
Visual Basic would be Satanism - Except that you don't REALLY need to sell your soul to be a Satanist...
Thanks to jfs and other people on #aegisub for the suggestions. Keep in mind, this list is a joke, and is not meant to offend anyone. Also, if you're a Muslim, please don't kill me. ;)
Note: I wrote a follow-up to this article, regarding the overwhelming reaction that it received.
Posts
530 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 400 of 530 Newer› Newest»Hinduism IS polythestic. There's some 4000 gods in Hinduism, except there all one. Duh. YOU so some serious research.
Rather unoffensive and humorous until the last line,
> Also, if you're a Muslim, please don't kill me
wow.
Oh, also:
Befunge is like thelema: you work the path, you are the path, and you do what you wilt, and despite trying to make it all work together rationally, the syntax is too simple and crammed with too much extra functionality so the non-initiated mistake it for line noise and the initiated typically find it difficult to debug.
TCL is like early christianity: in order to incorporate some great new ideas, they had to do away with some of the old rules, but it became a mess for a while because of that. Unfortunately, the more popular languages took an entirely different philosophy in doing the same thing. The adherents are mostly dead or marginalized, and the old scriptures look like gibberish or heresy (or at the very least pretty confusing), but a lot of people still pine for the good old days when you could say you were a TCList and people wouldn't give you a blank look or ask whether you believed in Java or VB.
I loved reading every bit of it. I couldn't describe it better. Write on!!!
Where are Hindu? Javascript? ;)
http://ilovemyindia.tumblr.com/
(Apple's) Objective-C is Jehovah's Witnesses
Hindu the veges' with millions of God, none to follow, Javascript hurray!!
http://ilovemyindia.tumblr.com/
Just hilarious thanks so much for this!
Wow there's some seriously hilarious epic trolling going on in these comments.
Anyway, what programming language would Thelema be?
I am a mormon and a faithful C# programmer and I am still insulted. ....not sure why though.
Satan lives! Visual Basic rocks!
ahh... ABL (Progress openedge) = Mennonite
Simple yet plain
keeps with tradition
will use more forwarded thinking technology but we will paint it black and call it something else.
Requires members to bow before the all mighty period.
SOme peopl need to look at this list for what it is: a bit of nerd fun. Anyone who reads anything more than that in to the who thing is just taking themselves too seriously.
The list is awesome! Thanks for posting it!
agrees that the Ruby and Python text should be switched
I'm muslim **squint**
.. i may have had to have harmed you if you said we were "J++" though :)
Hmmm.. Pascal could be Gnostic Christianity perhaps?
Groovy - Hmmm. Some kind of paganism - but the basis in Java ties it too Christianity more.
What about assembly? I think Shamanism... EVERY culture started off with it before they had another religion.
UML would be Agnosticism, it doesn't care what you believe, it just describes how things are.
Hahaha...
Interesting!
From wikipedia:
Hindu beliefs vary widely, with concepts of God and/or gods ranging from pantheism, monotheism and polytheism, with Vishnu and Shiva being the most popular deities. Other notable characteristics include a belief in reincarnation and karma, as well as personal duty, or dharma.
Anonymous says "Mormons aren't any more centralized than any other Christian belief system".
Anonymous is mistaken. Mormons are far more centralized than Catholics, Episcopalians, and certainly any protestant denomination. I can think of no organized religion that is more centralized than the LDS church.
Assembler, the true original language of the silicon brain (not some weird ass Macro assembler or other extension) is like your carbon based neuron... it explain and control everything. It is the real base of science and atheism
Comparing Nazi with atheism doesn't seems to match reality: Killing Jews and Gays was based on catholic ideology.
I tremendously appreciated this debate!
ColdFusion: You don't know what to believe in, but you're sure there's a higher power out there somewhere.
But, ColdFusion now gets translated into Java, so I guess the religious analogy doesn't work right... hey, just like ColdFusion itself.
Anonymous doesn't wish to be scoffed at for using ColdFusion, as he is forced to use it at work. He much prefers Python and PHP, and refering to himself in the 3rd person.
Somebody was beaten up by Harry Potter fans? I cannot even begin to imagine the nature of the argument. Great post, it adds much needed humor to the day.
@islamic anon's dudes you guys have a little bit of a problem. http://www.thereligionofpeace.com/ last time I checked, way more than the number of people Christian and whatever other radicals are killing. yeah I know you don't like it, but hm. more people are killed by Islamists each year than in all 350 years of the Spanish Inquisition combined. Islamic terrorists murder more people everyday than the Ku Klux Klan has in the last 50 years, and more civilians were killed by Muslim extremists in two hours on September 11th than in the 36 years of sectarian conflict in Northern Ireland, in fact even more than the number of American criminals executed in the last 65 years. darn facts! I mean, I know you're not all terrorists, but Islam is Islam.
The visual basic one made me laugh a little. I think you should have made pastafarianism HTML, because it's not really a religion and its not really a programming language. Also, where is assembly and FORTRAN?
How could anyone forget FORTRAN?
ZEN FORTH IS ROT . . .
What would forth be?
Interesting modern thought. I'm sure the list is going to grow. Also include Meta programming if you like ;)
lame
Hey you forgot the whitespace programming language ... Nihilism, perhaps.
This is hilarious. My favorite programming language is C#, and I also happen to be a Mormon. I had no idea how consistent my life has been.
You left out that in the majority of them, women and minorities are discouraged from gaining priesthood by the fundies...
:P
really good!!!
Multics written in PL/1 - don't think so, former was out of GE/Bell, latter was out of IBM. Perhaps Multics was written in Algol, a precursor to PL/1.
Algol it lives on in languages that use ';' as a terminator (C, C++, PL/1 etc). It's age makes Druidism an attractive candidate.
PL/1's egalitarian nature makes it a bit like Sikhism.
I am very offended!....Atheism isn't on this list. ;)
P.S. @ tdid :
Shut up. It's a joke
"Its easy to do that but very difficult to point a single phrase from Quran which says kill any innocent non-muslim?"
Sura 9:5. Then when the Sacred Months (the 1st, 7th, 11th, and 12th months of the Islamic calendar) have passed, then kill the Mushrikun {unbelievers} wherever you find them, and capture them and besiege them, and prepare for them each and every ambush. But if they repent and perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat {the Islamic ritual prayers}), and give Zakat {alms}, then leave their way free. Verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
Sounds pretty violent to me chuckles. I guess you define (innocent non-muslim == repented non-muslim).
what about XML, I'd hook it up with New Age which has no unified belief system, though many practices and philosophies are common.
No ASSEMBLER? I know one guy (my former room mate) which have written complete operating system (including HDD support) for his Sam Coupe in pure assembler.
Fortran anyone?
Wait a minute... I'm a Mormon and I think C# is garbage - almost as bad as Java. I'm perfectly happy with C thank you.
Surely Assembly/ASM would be atheism i.e. it's users are few, it's devout followers don't believe in using any language at all. And sometimes users of other languages have doubts about their own languages abilities and resort to a bit of assembly.
good work man! keep it up. Only thing you need to is get your facts right. You don't seem to know what is Hinduism. I don't blame you since you must be from the western world.
More languages to pair up with religions:
Flipcode
OZ
Juice
shell scripting
Logo
Myresnak
Pascal
Comal 80
Ada
JavaScript
Assembly
...and yes - I am offended by the description of Perl. Maybe it looks like Voodoo, but as soon as you understand it, its more like Hare Krishna.
Ocaml: Unitarian Universalist
Tries to accommodate all worldviews, but some fit better than others. Proponents enjoy the freedom to do things in whatever way seems to make sense at the time.
Detractors wish that proponents would just make up their minds and stop trying to please everyone.
>Postscript is like one of those weird native south american
>religions where you have to get completely mashed on
>psychoactive herbs to program in it and then spend the
>next two days solid vomiting
Lots of vomiting... perfectly fitting for a stack-based language, me thinks!
Definitely accurate, congratulations! :)
I lol'd
BCPL is proto-Zoroastrianism, which developed into B. B, while not as restrictive as C holds many of the same beliefs, and led to C's development. Conversion is easier, since B doesn't have the same strong-typing rules. B's primary belief is that there are two opposing forces in the world - order and chaos, or good and bad. The corporeal struggle is the one against chaos, therefore B's followers implement code with balance and structure. It is believed that Ken will ultimately prevail against chaos and will re-engineer and re-write the world in B as originally intended.
C, of course is still Judaism, a strongly-typed version of B that includes a few extra constructs. Not only is it more structured, it comes with a bigger out-of-the box library its followers must commit to memory.
Java is Catholicism - an extension of both C and paganism. No rote memorization of the entire cannon is required, but the followers of other C derivatives allege that Java programmers practice ritual object worship as well as adherence to a number of unnecessary constructs. Originally, it added a number of restrictions to C but did away with the no-pork rule. Java was originally intended to be the universal language, compatible with all platforms that were willing to run its JRE. Many programmers are taught Java early in their development, and while some follow its belief system adamantly, most of its followers don't know enough about the language to be of any real use, converting to another language later in life or giving up on programming all together. This only covers Java Model1 implementations. For Model2 implementations, please see "Anglican Christianity" as it allows divorce.
PHP is Lutheran Christianity. It looks a bit like C or Java, but takes out all the strong typing and is geared toward portability. It competes with Java (via JSP) and ASP for the backend of the web market, but has more available frameworks than can be counted, all of which are different enough to separate them, but similar enough that no one can understand why there's so many. PHP's main feature is that it is easy to pick up, since it can be intermingled with any language or output method via its flexible tagging system.
Funny, but i suggest you read up on what Satanism is.
(unless your 'selling your soul' comment was not serious, and you were just making a joke again)
Actually tdid, Hinduism is considered henotheistic. Most practitioners are devoted to a single god, but they accept the existence of others. That is essentially polytheism. They believe in many gods, they just don't worship all of them. The ancient Greeks and Romans did not worship all their Gods either, but they surely believed in them. Would you also deny their polytheism?
kinda dumb
shell scripting = druid ... taking care of the old growth trees. Starting new little processes on their way. Working in the background so that the other .. more visible religions can start up as needed and as required.
It's funny isn't it ... I have just found that I have changed my religion quickly and without my knowledge :) LOL
i love the commenters who are actually challenging the author on the facts of their religions. It's humor guys, let him have a little creative license.
Yep, I was waiting for a PL/I comment. ...don't know quite what religion PL/I would be, but I'm confident that the books would be THICK. Hmmm... PL/I didn't have any reserved keywords (IF IF = 5 THEN THEN = 3;). WHat kind of religion would that be?
Fundamentalist Christianity has been around for less than 200 years, the author confusing it with historic Catholicism. It does not add a new set of rules, if anything it summarizes them (love God and your neighbor). And it considers the Old Testament to be part if it, not inferior. I think it is easy to insult people who turn the other cheek. Perl is Voodoo though ;-)
I'd say Visual Basic is more like Scientology.
Any idiot can use it, and those who do use it are more likely to be Financial Analysts, Admin Assistants, English Majors, etc.
People with CS degrees don't think it's an actual language.
i like this but......
if batch were a religion
if script were a religion
if sql were a religion
???????????????????????
anybody can put a funny answer?
Death to the JAVA infedels !!!!!
Pascal would be believing Santa Claus is real
Delphi Pascal would be the parents continuing this belief until they run out of money for Legos >.<
--in the US, missing my Lego Space Command set :'(
There is only one true GOD
10010010011100
:)
The only one I wonder about is Ruby.
Why not say Ruby is informed by a profoundly Taoist worldview?
If we look around us, a process is not a collection of events in an environment, OR a collection of objects with states, cycles, sub-objects, "operations," and so on.
We're missing out on something essential. Ruby has a serious metaphysical content -- a strange thing to say indeed about a programming language!
It's not impossible that a Buddhist sage would quietly inform us that the "world" is always and only an aspect of a larger process, which can be identified neither with the series of events we experience, or the collections of objects we love to make (economically AND epistemologically.) He'd argue, in other words, against the functional and the objective programming paradigms. He would tell us to think about cross-cutting concerns.
He might even tell us that process itself is always, necessarily, and profoundly, merely an ASPECT of a larger process. And is this not the singular and ultimate concern of Ruby, to see the "way" behind every process, the way a process relentlessly pushes across any objective boundaries?
At any rate, great post. Thanks for this.
i enjoyed this post so much! merci!
What about Linux
Do you know any of these religions other than Christianity?..Hum...
I think it's exactly correct about perl.. I would be a much happier man if I never had to see that language again!!!
I am Muslim and very conservative but i still like c ...
and u r right about c++ and Islam...
to anonymous-muslim fanboy ... "At least if you can get time, study history of crusades and how muslim conqueror behaved (never killed innocents even though non-muslims).Islam has never been offensive, it has always been defensive and every one has the right of defence even in modern democratic world. " ...
This is a proof of how superficial islamic fanboys are ... LOOK HERE, READ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ottoman_Empire and tell what you told about not killing to my great-great granfathers/grandmothers.
"never killed innocents even though non-muslims" ... i guess islam is WHITESPACE, its believers think they are the only ones that have the right view upon their religion, the others no matter how they think it will always be wrong. Religion of piss.
Now imagine this, if on non-muslim wants to visit a mosque, it is forbidden, like you are not allowed to try to get know the providence... What if the atmosphere there will transform a non-muslim ... no, if he is born non-muslim, he will never be, so lets ignore everything else, our way is the only way.
Hmm, Web 2.0 as Unitarianism?
No standard fits. But with Unitarians, there are two standards;
1) Ignorance is the only sin.
2) We do things that are NOT Christian. We embrace all belief systems and find them useful, but we hug the Christian thing a little less hard, because a lot of people used to be Nuns, Jesuits and stuff and don't want to go back.
So, it would have to be a programming language that was trying NOT to be structured, but that required you to know a lot to use something that was pretending to be easy.
I'm sure there is one that has a very simple and open syntax, and allows you to build everything you want.
Please find the UUs a coding language...
if this article is meant as a joke then please try to keep it within the boundaries of a joke.... plz do NOT use this as means to express ur personal opinion of religion.. i see a lot of criticism of Islam.... if anyone wants to have a debate then plz visit other sites or invite for a debate on islamicity etc..
I'm Muslim and a c# programmer, and I take much more offense at your jabs at c#...
Algol-68 is Zoroastrianism.
C, C++, C#, Java are all based upon it to some degree, though they vehementally deny it.
Its rules are nearly the same as ones it spawned, though many people who use the newer ones conveniently now "forget" it ever existed.
let me guess,...the author knows nothing of real enterprise programming and has only done script kiddie/sys admin "programming" in dynamic languages like php and python.
Lol... great reading. PHP was truly depicted.
Great post! And it all seems quite accurate.
@ anony
Clearly some people are suffering self inflicted delusions.
---
referencing a site full of bla bla bla
just educate your self and then you will know what are you referencing to ;)
I agree with c to be Judaism about never to convert to it , you will have a headache" no one look back " , other will look to you as stupid Geek :D , and people run away from it when the chance allow them to :P
Turds. Stop beating up on VB :) Like Christianity, it's only evil when used improperly!
Mormon here and I definitely lol'ed. What a coincidence that C# is also my language of choice.
Perl as VOODOO?
Only to the non-believers. :-)
Mathematica would be Atheism. It is fundamentally pragmatic, yet based
on a beautifully logical and elegant foundation. It is used by intellectuals,
real geeks, cosmologists, rocket scientists, mind hackers, and virtually all string theorists. Mathematica programmers are discreet about their beliefs and don't mind if Mathematica is not mentioned alongside the more established languages.
Its followers spend as much time as possible using it, because they know that there's no programming after death.
What about Intercal (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intercal)?
Oh, man, as a Mormon programmer, I totally find this list hilarious. I'm not so much a fan of C# myself, but still, XD
Awesome, can I translate it into Arabic, I promise you I will take full responsibility. I will post it on my Arabic website, just email me to sieze and desist if you do not agree.
Great stuff!
Assembler of course is, Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
For crying out loud, why's everyone complaining about the Islamic comparison?!
...but they're willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.
Islam? No. Fundamental Christianity.
He even writes:
...you'll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.
...you'll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.
radical followers
Need I say more?
Besides, the whole thing is a joke. It's not even supposed to be taken seriously. I smiled and laughed at it, before I saw some of the more pathetic comments.
haha! good work...
refer to your 'Killing' point, I think its a natural human behavior for example if someone will use wrong words for my parents I would definitely retaliate because I love them.
And I think we should condemn the act of offense rather than its retaliation.....
Cheers
Nasir Ali Khan
FORTRAN is Zoroastrianism, a faith once widespread across the civilized world that has since fallen into hard decline, but nevertheless provides the conceptual basis for most modern religions.
Forth is Native American Shamanism, which venerates primitive elements and revers certain special devices as objects of great power. What those devices are, however, is up to the individual to determine for himself.
"Muhammed married a six year old girl and had sex with her when she was nine years old."
What was the socially accepted age for marriage before 20th century? Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet were 14 and 15, that was the accepted norm at that time, no one objected on that. No one objected on Muhammad's marriage at that time, it was the socially accepted norm of the time.
"Also, he was a mass murderer and robber."
That's a ridiculous statement, go read history and then say something about him. He conquered Makkah with an Army of 10,000 and announced amnesty for all people including his worst enemies who persecuted him and his followers to the end of the world, even though the norm at that time was to massacre the people including children and women. Islam adds a restriction that you cannot harm children, women, elderly, any non-combatants even at the time of war.
"The Koran doesn't incite murder and violence?"
Yes, the Quran doesn't incite murder and violence, it preaches against violence.
http://islamawakened.com/quran/5/32/
Quran 5:32 [Quote] if anyone killed a person not in retaliation of murder, or (and) to spread mischief in the land - it would be as if he killed all mankind, and if anyone saved a life, it would be as if he saved the life of all mankind [end Quote]
http://islamawakened.com/quran/2/256/
Quran 2:256 [Quote]Let there be no compulsion in religion [end Quote]
http://islamawakened.com/quran/2/272/
Quran 2:272 [Quote] To make them walk in the right way is not incumbent on you, but Allah guides aright whom He pleases [end Quote]
If you have been told that Quran 2:191 says "Kill them wherever you find them" then read the verses 190, 192 and 193 as well where it says "Let there be no hostility except to those who practise oppression".
"For crying out loud, why's everyone complaining about the Islamic comparison?!"
I'm a Muslim here and at first I found the comments stereotypical but then I read the other ones and reading C++ together with C and Java made my day :)
He didn't distort it as bad as the media does, and he referred to Christians burning non-Christians as well, so I have decided to spare his life :)
"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion" -- Abrham Lincoln
C++ as Islam? Since when Islam became that good? Come on more then 50% of IT systems are built on C++, it cant be compared to terrorism related islam ... too bad...
Assembler would be Atheism
What about programming directly in machine code?
Excellent!
Bill gates can be analogically compared with Abraham with a few tweaks.
Best,
C++ Developer ;)
I object -- I've programmed in APL and I loved it -- mind you, the comments were considerably longer than the code... :-) .
AWESOME ARTICLE!
Good Stuff! Looks like I'm between 'Fundamentalist Christianity' and 'Mormonism' :)
> Also, when things go wrong, many people
> are willing to blame the problems
> of the world on it.
Well, as some C-onists would tell, using C without sufficient skill is next to fatal mistake; blind Judaism did eventually mutate into a form of Satanism (cabal one), when the critical test did not pass for many of its followers.
Those interested might also have a look at Benjamin Freedman's warning for America (he's quite a honorary Jew to know better about the inner dealings).
Is too! Don't tell others what to do.
what about ABAP language????
"Also, if you're a Muslim, please don't kill me."
Yeah. Think that says it all, really. This is retarded.
interesting and funny thread.
Smalltalk would be Freemasonry: lots of companies know it and use it but are afraid to say they do because it is a competitive advantage to them. Therefore it is a close, near-secret society of users. Moreover Smalltalk programs use reflection as means to improve themselves, which is one of the key principles in freemasonry. Last but not least they are viewed by several other religions as ancient outcasts, but they know better and are still quietly changing the world and influencing others.
@tdid: nor is it modern in any way (it has been around for at least some 4000 years)
Im a Muslim and now I guess I have to kill. Oh well just send me your contact details. Cheers
How do I say this....
YOU'RE AN IDIOT IF YOU READ THIS ARTICLE.
I like that Perl is Voodoo.
Python really is a monotheistic religion, may I remind you of
"There should be one-- and preferably only one --obvious way to do it."
It is just not as free as you'd like to think!
Your characterization of APL is totally off. I would compare it to Shingon Buddhism: so esoteric and ancient that hardly anyone bothers understanding it, but its few remaining initiates still proclaim that it's far more useful than any competitor.
Delphi == Zoroastrianism.
Perfect. Obscure enough anyways.
W
and Pascal of course is the God's language. And ObjectPascal is his son's language :)
"Anonymous said...
"Its easy to do that but very difficult to point a single phrase from Quran which says kill any innocent non-muslim?"
Sura 9:5. Then when the Sacred Months (the 1st, 7th, 11th, and 12th months of the Islamic calendar) have passed, then kill the Mushrikun {unbelievers} wherever you find them, and capture them and besiege them, and prepare for them each and every ambush. But if they repent and perform As-Salat (Iqamat-as-Salat {the Islamic ritual prayers}), and give Zakat {alms}, then leave their way free. Verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
Sounds pretty violent to me chuckles. I guess you define (innocent non-muslim == repented non-muslim)."
+++++++++++++++
===>Get a life man! Read the Surah 9:4 to 9:15 that will explain 9:5 is not about killing innocent non-muslims but about killing currupt non-muslims.
Let me just put everything in context.
Surah 9:4 - Excepting those of the idolaters with whom ye (Muslims) have a treaty, and who have since abated nothing of your right nor have supported anyone against you. (As for these), fulfil their treaty to them till their term. Lo! Allah loveth those who keep their duty (unto Him).
Surah 9:5 - Then, when the sacred months have passed, slay the idolaters wherever ye find them, and take them (captive), and besiege them, and prepare for them each ambush. But if they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due, then leave their way free. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
Surah 9:6 - And if anyone of the idolaters seeketh thy protection, then protect him so that he may hear the Word of Allah, and afterward convey him to his place of safety. That is because they are a folk who know not.
Surah 9:7 - How can there be a treaty with Allah and with His messenger for the idolaters save those with whom ye made a treaty at the Inviolable Place of Worship? So long as they are true to you, be true to them. Lo! Allah loveth those who keep their duty.
Surah 9:8 - How when, if they have the upper hand of you, they regard not pact nor honour in respect of you? They satisfy you with their mouths the while their hearts refuse. And most of them are wrongdoers.
.
.
.
Surah 9:10 - And they observe toward a believer neither pact nor honour. These are they who are transgressors.
Surah 9:11 - But if they repent and establish worship and pay the poor-due, then are they your brethren in religion. We detail Our revelations for a people who have knowledge.
.
.
.
Surah 9:13 - Will ye not fight a folk who broke their solemn pledges, and purposed to drive out the messenger and did attack you first? What! Fear ye them? Now Allah hath more right that ye should fear Him, if ye are believers
.
.
------> Put everything in context, You will understand for whom these verses are talking about. They are talking about people who attack muslims first and if they make treaty with muslims they don't regard that treaty and work against muslims openly and in close doors.
------------------> This post was supposed to be for fun, not to pick on any one religion and just start bashing it left and right without any insight. Programmers should do what they do best use logic and investigation. But some people don't look like using any.
Fortran should definitely be on the list. After all, it's the language where god is real by default, so it's definitely a religious language :-). I don't know which religion it would be, though -- something that has evolved A LOT in any case, so much that it's a very different religion from what it once was. And it can't be any version of Christianity or Islam, because in Fortran, Jesus and Mohammed aren't considered real, they are integer :-)
Smalltalk is, as per its design specification (carried in the very name "SmallTalk") a complete and utter failure.
Its never been used to teach squat to any child.
Being based on RPN (like Forth) its not so much a language as a philosophy.
Making as buck is not a philosophy.
And, as Marc Anthony is reputed to have said, by "Willy The Shakes" no less: "Without bread, a dude can't even rule an anthill."
Visual Basic - Catholicism. It's available to the masses and easy to use, but it lacks the true power and miracles of other religions. It's also obfuscates simple concepts with elaborate procedures. It looks good on paper and talks a good game, but it's often leaves you with a guilty empty feeling in everyday life.
You did not forget Taoism;
this is so rare,
ooooh, I love you!
Haha, nice.
ever heard of MSIL? So what are you TALKING about?
As a Muslim, I found this to be hilarious and take no offense at all. This is being shared with others as we type.
No one have the right whatoever to compere a programming language to the GREAT ISLAM
Genesis 1.1 in the original language:
Bereshit bara Elohim et ashamayim ve et aaretz
Translation:
In the beginning, the Gods created the Relay and vaccuum tube hardware
Genesis 1.2
Aaretz aita tohu va bohu
Translation
The hardware was upside down, full of chaos
Genesis 1.3
Elohim Iehi or, va iehi or
The Gos said:let turn on the light and the hardware emitted light
lisp is not bliss
So what would I be if I was a java programmer that learned to like C# and now programs in VB.NET and C#.NET? I'm really confused....some guidance would be appreciated :)
I am a Muslim but i also want to know what other are saying. What if i want to compare "GREAT ISLAM" to programming languages ... its not comparative, it is analogy oath.
I profoundly agree with those who say Islam is not a religion of peace, but then neither is Christianity, Judaism or any other religion that incite to violence and punishment by death, no one in this world has the right to willingly kill another.
I know I have the same deity as Christians and Judaism but I am also convinced that my religion is not the only one true.
Do you honestly think that at the end of time, God will send all Chinese people, all Japanese and all Hindu people to hell just because they are not having his one-true religion ?
You don't think there isn't a single good man in billions just because you don't share the same religion with them ?
Instead of giving peace and calm among people, our 3 religions made more killings in its name than the atomic bombs.
Isn't this worrying you more ?
Perfect blog, perfect post, this shows how locked down muslim/christians mind is these days no matter if their knowledge(as software developers)makes them more than average people, more analytic, more investigative.
People, open your fu**ing mind, accept your God, choose one, choose none, but don't stay/harm others ways of living/thinking EXCEPT IF THEY ARE AGAINST NON-GOD RELATED HUMAN PRINCIPLES(all men are fu**ing equal)
I, as a practicer of Voodoo, take great offense to your referrence to Voodoo being bloody and violent and only based in mysticism, have you actually researched Voodoo, or its roots?
Just kidding, lighten up people, this is hilarious!
Hmm. Nice.
I'm a humanist and I do voodoo acccording to this.
God is so pissed at most of you, except the Atheist, that She is thinking coming back to Earth and rebooting your computers!
I will stay Anonymous because I don't want to get killed because of what I'm going to say.
Muhammad should have written the Qur'an in c++ so it would have not been so ambiguous.
/*************************************************/
/* $Id: quran.cpp */
/* Author: Muhammad (muhammad@islam.org) */
/* Project: Islam (Christianism 2.0) */
/* License: Copyright 570 - 632. */
/* All Rights Reserved. */
/* Verbatim copying of this document is */
/* permitted, in any medium. */
/* Non-authorized modification will imply */
/* tasting punishment of Allah */
/*************************************************/
class Muslim :public Person{
public:
string name;
Muslim(string n);
void meet(Person *p);
private:
Wife w[4];
};
Muslim::Muslim(){
name=new string(n);
}
void Muslim::meet(Person *p){
if(!dynamic_cast<Muslim*>(p))
kill(p);
}
void Muslim::kill(Person *p){
delete p;
}
/*------------------------------------------------*/
As I don't want anybody to think that I'm a racist
or islamophobic. So I will write it also for Christians in Java, ok?
/* $Id: Christian.java */
/**
* This class defines the behavior of a Christian
* person.
* @author: Jesus Christ
//TODO: Tell to jc that he should write some code
// one day (Judas)
* @see: Person
*/
public class Christian extends Person {
public String name;
private Wife w;
private List<Lover> l;
public Christian(String name){
this.name=name;
}
public void meet(Person p){
if(isWitch(p))
burn(p);
}
private boolean isWitch(Person p){
if(!(p instanceof Christian)) return true;
if(p.isTooClever()) return true;
if(p.likesScience()) return true;
if(p.isDifferent()) return true;
if(p.isPromiscuous()) return true;
if(Math.random()<= 0.5) //Simulate coin
return true;
return false;
}
}
Python and Humanism? The description *definitely* needs to include the word "smug".
Where the heck is Unitarian Universalism?!?!
If you're about to WRITE A COMMENT, JUST STOP, STOP AND THINK OF THE SECONDS YOU WOULD SAVE IN THIS LIFE BY NOT REPLYING TO THIS DUMB ASS ARTICLE.
I' a pythonist, it's clear.
can i get a rAmen?
What about Delphi? Pascal?
Visual Basic I think more directly maps to Scientology because:
1. "real" programmers don't even accept it as a language
2. its what people that don't have a current language (religion) go to first
3. if you have ever used it, you keep it a secret or you lose any credibility you have
4. Its ridiculous
hinduism is polytheistic, it just claims itself to not be polytheistic. :) funny stuff about religion - everyone thinks that his religion is the best - but no one respects it ... i believe that we lost the true meaning of "religion" - (the word cames from latin = relegit) and means to re-bound the connection with God... actually i believe that we simply need to smile when we see a flower, a good joke, and love one another as is written in the Bible and as Christ Jesus said ... :) (!) ... :)
shalom! :)
I find it difficult to draw a comparison between python and a specific religion because to me the defining feature of python is that stupid people flock to it. This is also the defining feature of every religion.
All those analogies are saying far more about the prejudices of the writer about the various mentionned religions than anything else.
One of the obvious example of this is the use of "strange" "complex" or other similar qualifier for religion the author is not familiar with (as if his own religions wouldn't look as strange for anyone unfamiliar with it).
See:
Judaism - "is familiar"
Islam - "very complex"
Zen Buddhism - "if only you are enlightened enough"
Taoism - "so different"
Voodoo - "incomprehensible"
Humanism - "simple"
to mention a few.
All what it says, is that the writer (and judging by comments most of his readers) are familiar with judeo-christian religion and humanism. So to them "simple" and "familiar" well describe them. Anything else looks "complex", "incomprehensible", or "so different".
Instead of showing any understanding of religions (or computer languages) , it just demonstrate plain ignorance of most of them, which can of course not please to those who know them a little bit more.
It remain fun in your own cultural area, but become irrelevant (if not offensive) anywhere else.
Yannick
xD haha I like the one about VB...
Apparently, I'm supposed to write in Python; to think I'm learning
Postscript, maybe it's like being a jedi, most people don't have the power, but those who do can command the very text which appears on the page.
%!PS
(This isn't the code you're looking for) 100 100 moveto show showpage
the islam/cpp comparison had a bit more info than needed. i bet its a cracker who wrote this *as opposed to a hacker*.
i hope this really isn't supposed to be taken seriously because you have a lot of false assumptions
As ASM is practically the lack of _any_ language, it should be atheism
haha funny stuff XD
Brainf**k is satanism and Malbolge is atheism.
Also, if you're a Muslim, please don't kill me. ;)
I'm a Muslim and what makes you think you're even alive?
pretty nice list, good work!
Well... Visual Basic, you need to sell your soul... except a fashion statement I think people hate things which are easy and powerful because other languages require more effort to do the same thing. VB.Net can do every single thing that C# can do, in a much more english like easily understandable way, and people say its evil... you must be nuts to say that...
Can you justify your statement??? I am a Hindu and I don't see any point in hurting others, and at the end of the paragraph saying that its just for fun... you guys must be crazy to blame Visual Basic. Just like others say... its just fashionable amongst so-called "high-techies" to just blame Visual Basic and Every other thing that Microsoft Does... better spend some time on other productive things...
what the....hahahah thats funny.....its just for jouke....
hahaha! Very funny! C# and Visual Basic were the best ones!
haUSHauHSuaHSuaHSuaHUSh
Oh man! XD
Good joke! =3 I amused it ^..^
islam != terrorim
all you read about islam come from atheists ... that the only problem!
Islam = C# : the power of the best languages ( c++, java ...) + the postive of every culture (dynamic languages, future techs ....)
You don't know your languages well enough. And I'm referring to the REALLY REALLY POPULAR ones like Java and C++.
i like c no one can change to it
This is the funniest thing EVER!
Even for those who took it FAR too seriously!
Isn't Fortran Deism? Created as an early attempt by scientists to bring their sort of logical coherence to all this stuff, not much followed now but still likely to appeal, at least in the abstract, to the sort of mathematical rationalists to whom it appeals - and with some old-school followers.
F#
Imagine there's no Heaven ...
...and if you write in assembler, you don't need a religion because you *are* God?
This is all well and good, but what happens when the great CPU finds code in any of the languages to be offensive and refuses to run it!
Don't worry about offending me. Worry about offending God.
Heavenly! A great and stimulating idea, as the comments show. On the basis of them all, in terms of modern patriarchal religion, it is Zoroastrianism which is still the religion of the Parsees, as someone already noted. The original article said Judaism did not accept converts, to draw its parallel with C, but a commentator noted that Jews do. Well orthodox Parsees don't, although reform Parsees do. So C must be Zoroastrianism, and C++ reform Parseeism, unless they should be categorized as Algol, as someone suggested.
HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
VISIBLE "LOL"
KTHXBYE
Satan welcomes you into his army. if VB is evil because it's easy to work with or (Gasp!) easy for non-programmers to read then count me in.
it's not that VB guys don't understand other languages, heck; i can c,c++,c#, Java if I had to, but why when VB syntax is so inviting.
I with VB.NET would of been renamed B# to make that clean break with the older VB.
you know... Malbolge is a religion, you can't go any further than that without beein a god
COBOL is quite alive and well. Here in Bloomington, IL, there are massive buildings full of shiny mainframes running it, at State Farm. COBOL is industrial-duty and stable. They still hire (and even train) COBOL programmers.
Jehovas' witness are not a language since as Jesus said ... to not be a part of this world (meanning not to get mixed up in politics, wars and stuff). They're the more like the BIOS sitting on the Earth (Motherboard). Safely operating with clear and presice instructions until the PC gets a new GPU, RAM, HDD and the rest .... :-)
In paradise, we'll all get FLASHED to the perfect, glitch free, new and updated version !!
PS: I'm one of them.
PPS: Loved the 144.000 joke.
Since Pascal was designed as a teaching language, I suggest that Pascal is Catholic Catechism. If you're indoctrinated into it, it will subtly impact the way you think about all other languages, but no one really follows it past puberty.
LOL
NICE!!!
btw im muslim, dont worry - your fine
i have a new suggestion for computer language !
my language have just one pseodo code
shut down
Atheism would be hard coding. No software needed.
funny because im a c# programmer and a mormon... hilarious
Since ABAP is based off COBAL it must be neo-paganism. Scarry, it fits too well.
I think perl would most definitely be more like Catholicism. One man ultimately controls the way you think and go about doing stuff, and the whole thing is always several generations behind the rest of the world. You can have your own beliefs and ways but probably shouldn't expect the larger religion to ever accept them.
LOL @ VISUAL BASIC
J++ is OSHO, Had their honeymoon and now it's over.
fuck you
hahaha... :D that "VB is satanism" thing is really the killer punch...
and no, why would I kill you?
great joke!
I think that Objective-C would be the Jews for Jesus - in theory, it's just Judaism with a more modern veneer, but the orthodoxy find it a little too close to Christianity for comfort.
lmao! Learn about Satanism though; it's a belief in ones-self not in 'Satan' or 'demons' ;)
This was a very funny post, as I know a little bit of PERL, Java, Python and C#, I really thought a few of them were very good.
4th luv if honk then
honk
FORTH is from the Tower of Babel - every practitioner speaks in different tongues as their working environment drifts away from The Word. BTW, it's not dead quite yet: Open Firmware is a FORTH system.
Smalltalk, like FORTH, is both a language and a Way of Life, but prettier and infix. More of a Flower Child / New Age than ancient FORTH.
Algol - nobody got this - is ancient Judaism, from the days of Genesis (i.e, the '50's). It expresses the seed of all procedural programming that followed. Hoare, Djikstra, and Wirth presided over its birth.
Prolog is Fundamentalist Protestant. It consists of nothing but Rules that somehow mysteriously result in declarations of what you must do.
E is free-wheeling hippies that eventually get the point. Rad, man!
I think amz belongs to Visual Basic.
Well such a funny post LOL
I'm a muslim, and don't worry dude, i would not kill anyone.
Duh, nobody like to kill each other, even if you have different religion. Your religion is yours, and my religion is mine (Al-Kafirun)
but, Weird, i choose C++ as my preferable language too haha :D
@one of anonymous's quote:
"..Muhammed married a six year old girl and had sex with her when she was nine years old.
Also, he was a mass murderer and robber.
The Koran doesn't incite murder and violence?.."
i say:
Well, read Muhammed's history again-not only from one point of view. What was his purpose, and in what situation something like that happened. Do some research yourself, do not base your opinion before that.
LOL
i'm a muslim and lol-ing while read this post btw..
let me link this post to my mailing list
well... aegisub use c++ right...
lol....
nothing offensive here from my opinion...
(just random trolling wont harm anybody right?)
keep up the good work with aegisub guys...
Well, I guess I am a satanist as I now program mostly in VB and VB.NET, but I am learning Perl and also some Java, so I will convert to doing Voodoo and be a fundi at the same time ;-)
I don't know why people think Perl is cryptic, when its not. Code is not any more cryptic than other languages. I think when people complain they are complaining about the regular expression language, but many other languages have one of these as well. But the regular expression language is not the main Perl language itself. As far as Hinduism goes, whether or not it is polytheistic depends on the denomination, some are, some place less emphasis on it. I dont know why polytheism gets a bad rap, but mainly its because people criticise anything that is different and most westerners are raised and conditioned into monotheistic systems. From an objective perspective, believing in multiple gods is not any more irrational than believing in a single god. Hindus tend to honor a diversity of beliefs and freedom of religion and believe all religions are pathway to truth and one is not better than the others. Its a different mentality from beleiving only one religion is right and one way is best. Hinduism itself contains such diversity, and hinduism is both polytheistic, monotheistic, panentheistic, it contains all these elements. Many encapsulate the polytheism into a panentheism framework, such as Advaita Vedanta which sees the pantheon, and us, as being facets of a god that is within all beings and which is everyone and everything.
HAHAHA, Excellent!!
PASCAL is Catholicism-it's old, was meant as a universal language, developed in a town that has climate similar to Rome, a language with no actual compilers--only interpreters, a language in which most anybody who does any programming had to learn, a language that no one practices, a language with simple but very strict rules making it a very litigious language such that if you don't follow all of the rules all of the time to the minutest detail, you will never experience the joy of getting your program to actually run, only frustration, confusion and guilt.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satanism
satanism is more like atheism than worshipping satan or devil. it's just a symbol of humans behaviour, not god.
Lol.. its funny, not me & no other Muslim is going to kill you.. :P
Im a muslim and Im not offended ?????
Anyways, very funny post.
I would have identified APL as some kind of Kabalism, symbolic and obscure.
I'm not sure what it would be, but Algol deserves a place as the root of so many modern languages.
We didn't have New Age back in the Snobol days, but it would have been … oh wow, man, look at the pretty colors…
and this page is in my recommended pages list why?
Everybody missed some of the stranger offshoots of Pentacostalism.
Charismatic Revival movement - you claim to have incredible power, but end up uncontrollably laughing, shaking or passed out on the floor. You follow people who make predictions that never come true.
Word of Faith - You believe by saying something it will come to pass, and believe by voluntarily paying higher licensing fees you will get rich.
I'm not sure what languages they would be, can someone help me out?
All is ok if its a joke, but why do you have to pick on muslims?
I don't do code, I pay people to code. What am I ?
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